Happiness begins with you.

I made some progress today, or so they call it. I was able to sit amid my most feared thoughts and not be shaken. I’m not concerned because I’m relieved, but what changed? Is it because I was allowed to imagine how a moment like that might feel? Where your deepest desires are one decision away. What does that make me?

I’m not worried, but what changed? The thought of her falling into another’s arms no longer keeps me up at night. I once learned that the countless experiences we’ve had in life make up our programming, like a human computer of sorts, and when we encounter things that are foreign to our code, we have a choice to make. Ignore or change.

I think that I gave this so much of my time and attention that somehow, my code changed. Could that be? Is this how I find out that I can change almost everything within my mental makeup if I’m willing to endure the pain of change. Honestly, I don’t care enough to entertain most things, far less for changing them, but losing her wasn’t an option. I knew I had to change the second I knew, and I didn’t want to. Not because I didn’t care enough to, but I was tired of changing. It isn’t easy. I wanted her to change, but I knew deep down I only wanted her to change that thing so I wouldn’t feel that way, and if I really pushed her to change, then everything would, because that’s the thing about life, nothing happens in isolation. You don’t get the up without down, push without pull, and I couldn’t risk losing the woman I love because of my insecurities.

The world changes when you change. I’ve heard this for years, and only in that second of a different perspective did I realize the actual weight and accuracy of that statement. When I made the decision to fight this was when my code began to change. I began to learn what it truly meant to accept someone as they are, how to put myself aside for the betterment of my relationship and my wife’s emotional and mental well-being.

I pray this story isn’t followed by a post titled “2 steps forward, 5 steps back” I pray that I’ve genuinely made a step in the right direction. Being right isn’t what’s best for my ego, but for my happiness, which is just another word for you.

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Todd Ragoonanan

Todd Ragoonanan

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