Don’t look away. This is the best part.

Another day has passed. If it were a movie, it would be one of those scenes where it’s sped up so you can get the idea that hey! In his life, nothing much happens. But if anyone took the time to look back and allow the moments to replay without judgment or a shift in perspective, they would see how much came his way. Firstly it started with a bang. I was cranking out images and videos like a chef at rush hour. I’m moving from left to right, from delivering to chatting; while it may not sound like much, I’m in the groove, and if you’ve ever been in it, you know the feeling. You’re unstoppable. But in every story, there’s a villain. Not a bad guy or thing; it’s simply something that goes against the plot of the story, and in this case, the plot is me owning the day, and the villain, well knock knock, enters anxiety.

I once read that anxiety is rooted in fear of the unknown. I don’t think I’d put it that way because, for me, I’ve witnessed things, and a part of me is always on guard at the door of my soul, waiting to stop anything negative from happening. On the one hand, maybe I should be thankful that this habit of mine, a survival mechanism of sorts, has probably saved me from so much, but as long as I’m on guard, I will never be fully in my life. And that is the strongest villain I’ve encountered. The one that robs me of peace, I’m no longer present. I’m in an endless cycle of wondering if I’m safe or not, and life is passing me by.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing this to myself, like some sick habit to fuel my desire for pain. But how could that be? That part of me is always clawing at my joy. Shouldn’t my being want to be in a place of bliss? But how great is that if it’s unknown? I imagine bliss is to be a calm sea, and as I float on by the barrier between my body and the water seems to fade away, and I no longer notice where I end, and the world begins. All sensations are gone. I’m one with the world. I’ve finally found what I was looking for but is it all I hoped it would be?

I’ve lost the very thing that makes life worth living — the thrill of it all. Like the raging sea of emotions I felt when you and I would talk for hours, and as the conversation is about to end, I’m stuck wondering if you’re going to say I love…..

But it never happens, and life goes on.
I hoped one day it would happen, and the waves would come to a peaceful rest where I could float away with you. So how great is the calm water without the wild waves? Bliss without chaos? And life without hardship?

I don’t wish to rid myself of rough waters; I want to become a better swimmer. While these days may seem uneventful at first glance, if you look closely, you’d see the very essence of life before you. A triumph like no other. Man versus mind. Love over fear. I am living, not just existing — what an extraordinary thing to witness.